Real Estate Humor

Want to take a quick break from the pressures of real estate? Why not take a few minuets to have some fun. Here is some real estate humor to hopefully brighten your day.

Ask For Raise

"I have to have a raise in my commission," the agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Buy Me Out

A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate office. I can't stand agents." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some the paperworks." "I hate paperworks," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don't like office and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Commission Check

An agent who was being paid by the week approached his office manager and held up his last paycheck. 'This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,' he said. 'I know,' the manager said. 'But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.'  'Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake,' the agent answered, 'but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.'

Congratulations On Your New Home

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".

Cut Workload

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%. Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Ethics Exam

First Agent : Did you pass your ethics exam? Second Agent: I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.

Was It Something We Said?

When the last of their three children was about to leave home, my parents decided to buy a smaller house. The real-estate sign went up. A week later, a second "For Sale" sign appeared two doors away. "Soon you'll have new families on either side of you," my mother remarked to the neighbour whose house was in the middle. "We're thinking of putting up our own sign," she replied wistfully. "It would read: 'Was it something we said?' "

Guide to Real Estate Terms

To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.

Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home." Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper." Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse. Hi-Tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement. Daring Design - Still a warehouse. Completely Updated - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa. Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight." One-Of-A-Kind - Ugly as sin. Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement." Upper Bracket - If you have to ask . . . You'll Love It - No, you won't. Must See To Believe - An absolutely accurate statement.

When They Say and What They Really Mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar. * OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning. * CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning. * CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October. * WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls. * SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog. * NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage. * UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows. * MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years. * CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp. * MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet. * NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls. * MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing. * COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6. * LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening. * LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling. * OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb. * A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies. * BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded. * BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price. * COMPACT - Tiny. * COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants. * DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible. * DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base. * EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid. * EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain. * FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle. * LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned. * MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it. * OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed. * PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer. * PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years. * QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town. * RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it. * SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works. * SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price. * SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle. * UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door. * UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof. * UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway. * USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet. * WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors. * WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

Do You Remember When?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? It took five minutes for the TV warm up? Nobody owned a purebred dog? When a quarter was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels? You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?  And, you got trading stamps to boot? Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents? They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did? When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?  No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?  Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a .."  and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?  When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.   Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.   Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.    I am sharing this with you today  because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. How many of these do you remember? Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601). Party lines  Peashooters Howdy Dowdy 45 RPM records Green Stamps Hi-Fi's    Metal ice cubes trays with levers Mimeograph paper Beanie and Cecil Roller-skate keys Cork pop guns Drive ins Studebakers  Washtub wringers The Fuller Brush Man Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Tinkertoys Erector Sets The Fort Apache Play Set Lincoln Logs 15 cent McDonald hamburgers 5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum Penny candy   35 cent a gallon gasoline Jiffy Pop popcorn Do you remember a time when...   Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?   The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!   Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . I double-dog-dare-ya!

Three REALTORS are sitting in a sauna. Suddenly there's a beeping sound. One of them presses her forearm. The beeping stops. The others look at her questioningly. "Oh, that was my pager," she said. "I've had a microchip implanted under the skin in my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rings. The second REALTOR lifts her palm to her ear and carries on a conversation. When finished, she explains, "That was my mobile phone. I've had a microchip implanted in my hand." By now, the third REALTOR was feeling decidedly low tech. Determined not to be outdone, she stepped out of the sauna into the bathroom, only to return a moment later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. "Oh look," she said, "I'm getting a fax."

Underwater Real Estate

A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

Old Agent

MY FRIEND Marilyn, a real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain-two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real-estate license!" She got the listing.

Famous One Liners

My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be there today if the Governor hadn't pardoned him. Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won't have to waste any time. The sellers told me their house was near the water. It was in the basement. How much are they asking for your rent now? Oh, about twice a day. I have a temporary mortgage. What do you mean temporary? Until they foreclose. Realtor sign--We have "lots" to be thankful for. Realtor: first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we'll have a good laugh and go on from there. The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one. There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage. If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments. My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay. I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn't been any maintenance. Did you hear about Robin Hood's house? It has a little John. My agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda. If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass. Houses today don't have enough closet space. Sure they do. They're just called guest bedrooms. Trivia: The floors of buildings are called stories because early European builders used to paint picture stories on the sides of their houses. Each floor had a different story. A lot of homes have been spoiled by inferior desecrators.--Frank Lloyd Wright I bought a two story house. One story before I bought, and another after. The house is only 5 minutes from shopping . . .if you've got an airplane. This country is great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner. Home is where the mortgage is. A housewarming is the final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present The best part of a real estate bargain is the neighbor. The house was more covered with mortgages than with paint. Home: A place when you go there they have to take you in. Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. A man's home is his castle. That's how it seems when he pays taxes on it. Housebroke--What you are after buying a house. Sign next to FSBO-We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left. This house has every new convenience except low payments. The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing. They have an all electric home. Everything in it is charged. My buyers want a new home on the outskirts---of their income, that is. A Happy Home is a place where each spouse entertains the possibility that the other may be right though neither believes it. By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't. A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything except make the payments. The house has a wall to wall carpet and back to wall payment. A typical home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids. House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't. Our new house has one down payment and 240 darn payments. Homesickness What you feel every month when the mortgage is due. The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one. If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments. My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay. If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass. This country is great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a down payment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner. The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.